3 Types Of Healthy Boundaries In Relationships (And How To Set Them)

nfortunately, no one is a mind reader. This includes romantic partners – as much as we wish “the right person” would be able to intuit everything that upsets us or makes us happy, the truth is that’s just never the case. It can be easy to think it’s blatant when you’re irritated by something, but things that are obvious to you aren’t always picked up on by other people (for example, I’ve had coworkers be astonished by how calm I was during a hectic shift, when in reality, I was exhausted and stressed out of my mind). 

This is where setting boundaries can be helpful. Today, we’re focusing on boundaries in romantic relationships, but the same ideas can be applied to friendships, family relationships, work life, and more – learning to set boundaries can have many benefits, including:

• Reduced stress
• Increased communication
• Fewer misunderstandings
• More trust

Often, you might not even realize you’re stressed about something until you get it off of your chest, and then the relief hits you like a tidal wave. If you’ve been holding something in, now might be the time to tell your partner about it. We’re here to help you through it.

Setting Boundaries

Make The Conversation Easy For Both Of You

Setting boundaries can be a difficult thing – maybe you grew up conflict-avoidant, or feeling like you had to take up as little space as possible. On the flip side, maybe you struggle with reigning in your anger and having productive conversations when you’re upset. No matter the case, we have some tips for you.

1. Broach the subject when you’re calm

When you’re angry or upset, it can be tempting to go off at your partner – but yelling or crying can make the situation worse, and make your partner feel upset or defensive. Take some deep breaths, and if you need to take a break in the conversation to recollect yourself, that’s perfectly okay. Just express this to your partner, and take that time to cool off. If possible, letting them know some time in advance that you’d like to talk can be helpful, as it gives them time to get in the headspace for an emotional conversation, rather than feeling ambushed (as well as give them the room to express their own boundary, such as, “I’d rather not have a heavy conversation right after work. Could we talk about this over breakfast tomorrow instead?”).

2. Use “I feel” statements

They can feel a little cheesy at first, but “I feel” statements are a great way to productively talk about your feelings. Rather than focusing on the specific behavior that you find upsetting, it focuses on how it makes you feel, getting to the root of why it’s an issue, while at the same time avoiding shifting blame onto your partner. If you say, “you never clean up after yourself,” that can make them feel insulted or belittled – they don’t never clean up after themselves, they just forget easily, or they’re tired, or… that argument can go on and on. Instead, if you say, “I feel stressed out when the house is disorganized,” that opens up dialogue about why cleaning up matters, and what can be done about it.

3. Stick to the issue at hand

If you’re trying to have a conversation about how you feel ignored, now’s not the time to bring up how your partner never picks up their dirty laundry. On top of potentially making them feel attacked, it can make it difficult for them to address your feelings in detail if you’re bringing up a lot of different topics at once.

4. Listen to your partner

Remember, this is a conversation. Their side matters, too – listen to what they say, and try to be open to it. Maybe they didn’t realize you considered the apartment as disorganized as it was. Maybe work has been busy, and they’ve been too exhausted to clean when they get home. This gives you an opportunity to work on things and negotiate. Maybe they can try to tidy up before work instead of after, or maybe you can set up a rule about folding laundry as soon as it’s done, so the dirty laundry can go straight in the basket. Be open-minded, and try not to set ultimatums if you can avoid it. Recognize that often, compromises will have to be put in place.

5. Acknowledge when they do something right

When people are praised, they’re more likely to repeat the behavior more often. It feels silly, but it’s true, and without praise, it can sometimes feel like your efforts go unacknowledged. Thank them for folding the laundry before you got home, or for cooking dinner, or making a cup of coffee for you to wake up to. If it impacts you, make sure they know it. This goes for all kinds of relationships, of course – one of my friends knows I’m face-blind, and so when we watch TV shows together, he goes out of his way to explain certain visual gags to me (such as a character wearing a very poor, very obvious disguise). It’s something that might be small to him, but means the world to me, so I always make sure to thank him for it. It’s things like that that can reinforce a lot of positive habits.

Additionally, even if something gets fumbled, make sure to acknowledge their effort, and gently course-correct. For example, if your partner makes you a cup of coffee, but they didn’t make it quite right – thank them for the coffee, and ask them if they could please add (or bring) sugar next time. If they clean the bathroom but don’t wipe down the mirror, thank them for it, and ask if they could touch up that spot too the next time they’re cleaning. 

Healthy Boundaries To Set

Boundaries Are Never One Size Fits All – But These Can Be A Good Starting Point

Now that you know how to set boundaries, it’s time to think of boundaries you might like to see set. If you’re someone who doesn’t think of your own needs often, this can be difficult, but we’ve collected some common types of boundaries that can help couples thrive.

1. Personal space & alone time

You (hopefully) like spending time with your partner – but even then, you might need some space from them. This is a very common way to feel. You’re separate people, and so you naturally have your own interests and needs. It can feel like a mean boundary to make, but it’s a perfectly natural need. To start with, you can establish something simple, like having an hour or two to yourself before bed to unwind on your own, or even some time in the morning to wake up and adjust before any social interactions. 

2. Friends and Family

Maybe your partner seems to spend more time with their friends than with you, or maybe you don’t feel like you get to see your friends enough. Maybe your partner always asks you to go with them to visit their family, but their family is, well, difficult to be around. It’s good to make sure you’re on the same page as your partner, whether it’s discussing how frequently you’re apart to spend time with friends, or how often you go to visit the in-laws. 

3. Physical & sexual boundaries

Maybe you don’t like hugs, or you don’t like having your stomach touched. Personally, I hate being touched without warning, so I ask people to make sure I’m aware that they’re there before they touch me. Even if you feel your physical boundaries might be a bit “abnormal,” you still deserve to have them respected. Being in a relationship with someone doesn’t make them entitled to your body. 

This also extends to sexual relationships – if you’d like more or less physical intimacy, vocalize it. Maybe your partner always tries to initiate sex when you get home from work, but you’re always too tired then. Maybe you’re feeling a little neglected because your partner never seems to respond to your advances. Sex is always a tricky area, which means it’s especially important to communicate your desires.

When Boundaries Aren’t Enough

Sometimes People Just Aren’t Compatible – And That’s Okay

At the end of it all, it’s also important to evaluate what boundaries and needs are non-negotiable for you – if you’re someone with a high sex drive, for example, and your partner has a low sex drive, it might be good to evaluate how important sex is to you. If it’s highly important, it may be good to reevaluate whether this is the right relationship for you. Your own needs deserve to be met, but so do your partner’s, so there may be a point where your needs simply diverge too much.

Of course, this doesn’t have to be all bad – as tough as a breakup can be, it can give you a better idea of what your needs and non-negotiables are for future relationships. The decision is up to you, but understanding your own boundaries and how to set them is key in making loving and lasting relationships.