ou’re sitting by your phone, waiting for your significant other to text you. Your phone buzzes, and you jump, snatching it up. But it’s just someone in your group chat sending a cat photo. A million thoughts go through your head. Does my partner hate me? Are they giving me the silent treatment? Are they cheating on me?
If you experience this, you’re not alone – a lot of people have relationship anxieties, especially if they’ve had negative experiences with partners in the past. Even if your partner’s a keeper, rumination is a difficult hurdle to jump, but it’s important for your health (and your partner’s) that you don’t let it ruin your relationship. We’ve broken down how to tackle overthinking in three simple steps:
- Identifying how (and why) you overthink
- Letting your partner in
- Finding coping strategies for overthinking
So You Overthink – How? Why?
Whatever The Reason, Treat Yourself With Care
Examining what makes you overthink and why is vital – maybe you had bad experiences in a past relationship, or maybe you’re prone to overthinking in general. Maybe it’s hard for you to accept that someone can really like you. Maybe witnessing your parents’ failing relationship made it hard for you to believe a relationship could truly succeed. Understanding the root of your overthinking can help you determine how to address it.
It’s also important to note that anxious thoughts usually have triggers – though this term is often associated with PTSD, it refers to any factor or stimulus that provokes a significant response. You may find it helpful to keep a journal and try to keep note of what happened to trigger any sort of thought spiral or mood change. You might notice a pattern, like maybe you feel upset when your partner talks about a specific friend, or you worry when they haven’t texted for a few hours. Maybe you feel like they’ve stopped loving you when they forget to say your special goodbye before hanging up the phone.
Try not to judge yourself for these responses. Brains are finicky, and they like to stick on certain things – especially if you have an anxiety disorder or OCD, you may find that these anxieties eat up a lot of your waking hours. Regardless of whether or not you have a diagnosable disorder, though, if a thought process causes you distress, it’s worth examining it and finding ways to set your mind at ease.
Talk To Your Partner
It’s Not As Scary As You Think – We Promise!
You and your partner are on the same team – you both want a healthy, functioning relationship, and chances are, they don’t even know that the behavior that triggers you is causing you any kind of distress. Honesty is the best policy, and some of your anxieties may be even easier to resolve than you think. And even if they aren’t, it’s still good to have your issues all laid out on the table, so that you can actively work on them, rather than letting resentment build up and fester. When it comes to talking to your partner, we recommend the following:
Use “I Feel” Statements
In conversations about feelings, it can be easy to assign blame – for example, “you don’t care about how I feel.” Statements like this can make a person feel defensive, and turn a conversation into an argument. Try restructuring statements to center the heart of the issue and how it makes you feel, like, “I feel upset when you make a decision without asking how I feel about it.” This gets to the heart of the matter, without making the person feel villainized.
Respond To What They’ve Said, Not What They Haven’t Said
If you feel like your partner hates you, directly telling them you feel this way isn’t always helpful – it can make them feel like you see them as a mean, hateful person. Remember, if they didn’t like you, they wouldn’t be in a relationship with you. Use the “I feel” statements outlined above to address why you feel that way in a more productive manner.
Establish Clear Boundaries
It’s hard to respect a boundary you haven’t been informed of. Keep in mind that not all boundaries can be realistically reinforced, and you might need to workshop some things or be flexible (if your partner has memory issues, it might not be feasible to expect them to remember to do something 100% of the time), but your partner will more than likely be willing to meet you halfway. Just remember to be open to any boundaries of their own they may have.
Have Regular Check-ins With Each Other
Set aside a time once a week, every other week, even once a month. Whatever works for you. Give yourselves space to air out what’s working for you, and what isn’t working for you. Maybe you’re feeling better having that boundary in place, or maybe it’s hard to maintain. Maybe it turns out that issue has some other source that isn’t being addressed. Having this dialogue can help you feel like there’s less being unsaid, especially once you’ve made it a habit. It can also make you and your partner feel less like you’re being pounced on when issues are brought up seemingly out of the blue.
Find Coping Strategies
Sometimes You Have To Deal With It Yourself – We’ll Make Sure You’re Ready For It
Your partner can only do so much to help you – especially for those of us who are overly anxious, it’s not always feasible or healthy to ask your partner for comfort or reassurance every time you begin to overthink. Sometimes the easiest solution in your mind just isn’t feasible. A little bit of self-reliance can go a long way, and for cases like this, we have a few suggestions:
Compile Nice Things Your Partner Has Said (Or Done)
If you struggle with remembering they care for you, try taking screenshots of the sweet texts they’ve sent, writing down or taking pictures of nice things they’ve done for you, etc. Compile these in a folder that you can look at whenever you feel the need, or even just want a reminder. This can help you gain reassurance without having to actively seek it out, and give you a new appreciation for them.
Surf The Urge
If you’re someone who has quick mood swings or impulses, try urge surfing. Give yourself some time – when you feel the urge to ask for reassurance, step back for a few minutes, maybe five or so. Ask yourself if you still feel the urge. If the moment’s passed, great. If you still feel the need, try to hold out for another five minutes, and check in with yourself again. Repeat for as long as you feel the urge. This tactic is often used for urges revolving around self-harm or other addictive behaviors, but can be used for any urge or compulsion.
Find A Distraction
While distracting yourself isn’t a healthy coping mechanism for everything, sometimes you just get too stuck in your head, or need to do something to pass the time. Rather than sitting by your phone panicking about why they haven’t texted you yet, try indulging in a hobby you enjoy, like reading, knitting, or playing a video game.
Journal
Sometimes you just need to let the words out. Maybe you know something isn’t really plausible, but it still worries you, or you know it’s something that can’t change. The worry might seem smaller now that you’ve written it down. On the flip side, maybe you notice a trend in the worry that you didn’t before, one you now have a better idea of how to bring up to your partner. Journaling can be a great way to get your thoughts together in an honest way, without worrying about having to soften the blow of wording it to your partner, or feeling judged by the friend you’re trying to run the issue past.
Of course, these aren’t the only coping mechanisms out there, and not all of this advice will work for everyone – feel free to mix and match our tips as you need, and add in some of your own tricks. Now that you know how to ride the waves, look forward to some smooth sailing ahead in your relationship.
