Romantic relationships have this frustrating way of bringing out both our softest hopes and our loudest fears. We want connection, understanding, closeness. But sometimes in our attempt to find that, we stumble—tripping over our words, doubting our needs, or falling into a spiral of overthinking everything from a text message to a passing glance. So how do you actually communicate what you’re looking for in a relationship without sounding needy, pushy, or unsure? And just as important: how do you stop overthinking your every move once you're in it?
Let’s talk about it.
First: Get Clear on What You Want (And Why It Matters)
Before you try to communicate what you’re looking for in a relationship, you have to know what you’re looking for. This isn’t just about “long-term vs. short-term” or “casual vs. committed.” Those are valid starting points, but there’s so much more to desire than a label.
Start with questions like:
- What does emotional safety look like to me?
- How do I want to feel in a relationship—secure, seen, supported?
- What are my non-negotiables?
- What kind of connection do I value—constant closeness or interdependence and space?
- Do I want to build a future with someone? Share values? Grow together?
Write it down if you need to. Journal. Voice memo it. Talk it through with a friend. The clearer you are with yourself, the more confident you'll be when it's time to bring it up.
And remember: you’re not “too much” for having wants or needs. You’re allowed to have preferences. You’re allowed to say, “I’m looking for something where we can both feel safe growing together.” Or “I want to take things slow, but with clear intention.” Or “I’m figuring things out, but I know I need emotional consistency.”
If you really aren’t sure where to start, try looking through a list of the 7 C’s of communication, and seeing if anything sparks a question or thought.
How to Communicate What You Want (Without Making It Weird)
When it comes to talking about what you want in a relationship, most people fall into one of two traps:
- Avoidance – “If I just vibe and don’t say anything, maybe they’ll figure it out or it’ll all just work out.”
- Overcorrection – “Here is a 10-point bullet list of my expectations before the salad even arrives.”
Neither of these usually helps.
Instead, try to approach the conversation with curiosity and clarity, rather than control or panic.
Some tips:
- Use “I” statements. Not “You need to…” but “I’m looking for a relationship where I feel emotionally safe and mutually supported.”
- Be honest, but open. You’re not writing a contract—you’re inviting a conversation. Say what’s real, and be willing to listen.
- Avoid “tests” or mind games. Don’t say you’re chill when you’re not. Don’t pretend you don’t care as a way to get them to care more. Be real.
- Set the tone early. This doesn’t mean dropping your whole life story on date one, but it does mean showing that you're comfortable having meaningful conversations.
Here’s an example of how it might sound:
“I really value honesty and emotional consistency in a relationship. I’m not rushing anything, but I know I feel better when things are clear and intentional. How do you usually approach relationships?”
That’s confident, open, and invites a response. No games. If you want more on this specifically, check out more ways to communicate what you want and need.
The Role of Boundaries (Not Walls)
A big part of communicating what you want is understanding and expressing your boundaries. Boundaries aren’t rules you place on someone else—they’re lines you draw for yourself about what you will or won’t tolerate, what feels safe, and what you need in order to show up fully.
For example:
- “I need consistent communication in order to feel secure. If I don’t hear from someone for days at a time, I start to shut down emotionally.”
- “I’m not comfortable with situationships anymore. I want to know that we’re both interested in exploring something real.”
The more you speak from your truth, the more you allow someone else to show up authentically—or walk away if they’re not aligned (which is actually a win, even if it doesn’t feel like it at first).
Now… Let’s Talk About Overthinking
Okay, you’ve said what you needed to say. You’ve been honest, clear, maybe even vulnerable. Now what?
Cue: The Overthinker Brain.
- “Did I say too much?”
- “Were they weird after I brought that up?”
- “Why haven’t they replied to my message yet?”
- “What if they think I’m clingy?”
First: breathe.
Overthinking is your brain trying to protect you. It’s scanning for danger, hoping that if it can predict pain, it can prevent it. But relationships—especially ones where you’re honest and showing up fully—will always carry a bit of risk. You can’t logic your way into control. What you can do is build trust in yourself.
How to Stop Overthinking in a Relationship
Here’s what helps, or at least some things that tend to work for most people:
1. Reality-Check Your Thoughts
When you catch yourself spiraling, ask:
- Is there actual evidence for this thought, or is it a fear?
- Have they said or done something that supports this belief?
- Am I trying to read minds, or just sitting with discomfort?
Write it down if it helps. Talking back to anxious thoughts helps shrink their power.
2. Name the Need Beneath the Thought
Overthinking usually hides an unmet need. Are you feeling insecure, uncertain, or unimportant? Instead of sitting in the spiral, try expressing the need:
“Hey, I know I can get a little anxious when I don’t hear back for a while. It helps me feel grounded to know where we’re at.”
That’s way more productive than crafting a 500-word unsent text or rereading the last message 12 times.
3. Practice Self-Soothing
You are allowed to calm your nervous system without outsourcing that regulation to someone else. Some options:
- Deep breathing
- Listening to grounding music
- Taking a walk or moving your body
- Talking to a friend (not just about the relationship)
- Reminding yourself: I am safe, I am allowed to have needs, and I don’t need to earn love by overanalyzing everything
4. Remember: Clarity Over Chaos
When in doubt, go back to clear, respectful communication. If you’re unsure about where someone stands or what they meant, ask. Don’t spiral in assumptions. Trust that you can handle whatever truth comes your way—and that you’d rather know than live in limbo.
One More Thing: You’re Allowed to Be a Work in Progress
Healthy relationships aren’t just built on attraction or shared playlists—they’re built on mutual respect, communication, and emotional honesty. That includes being able to say, “I’m still learning how to navigate this,” or “Sometimes I overthink, but I’m working on it.”
The right person won’t run from your honesty—they’ll respect it. And more importantly: you’ll respect yourself for staying grounded in your values, even when it feels hard.
TL;DR
To communicate what you want in a relationship:
- Know yourself first.
- Speak with clarity, not control.
- Use “I” statements and stay open to dialogue.
- Don’t apologize for your needs.
To stop overthinking in a relationship:
- Reality-check your thoughts.
- Identify the emotional need under the spiral.
- Practice grounding and self-regulation.
- Choose clarity over assumptions.
You don’t have to shrink yourself to be loved. You don’t have to overthink your way into being “good enough.” Just be honest, intentional, and kind—to them, and to yourself.
You’re learning. You’re growing. You’re allowed to take up space.
