here’s no road sign waiting for you that says, “it’s time to be in an adult relationship,” but sooner or later you come to a point when you decide it’s time. That decision can mean ending a fun but not so grown up relationship, getting more serious about a relationship, or realizing you’re already in an adult relationship and making sure you and your partner continue taking the right steps.
Wherever you are in your search for an adult relationship, use this guide to help you figure out where you and your partner stand and what you need to do to be an adult in a relationship. We’ll cover:
- How to tell if you are (or definitely are not) in an adult relationship
- Conversations you need to have in an adult relationship
How to Tell if You Are (or Definitely Are Not) in an Adult Relationship
What an Adult Relationship Looks Like
Obviously there isn’t an exact mold a relationship has to fill to be considered adult or mature--every relationship looks different. However, there are some signs you’re in a mature relationship that you might not have noticed yet.
1. You have productive arguments instead of frequent fights. Disagreements happen sometimes. You and your partner are sure to have differing opinions on some issues, but arguments are not the same thing as messy fights.
Adult relationships don’t usually contain screaming matches, slamming doors, or extended silent treatments surrounding every disagreement. You should be able to talk things out and come to an understanding of each other’s beliefs and opinions.
If you find that you and your partner are yelling at each other frequently, you probably aren’t acting like adults in the relationship. Take a minute to assess the fights you have and see if there’s another issue there you haven’t addressed.
2. You don’t need to be with your partner constantly. You enjoy spending time together, but you also have your own friends, your own hobbies, and time you spend independently. You should be dedicated to your partner, but not in a way that makes you abandon your dedication to yourself and your goals.
Beware of codependency as a sign that you aren’t acting like adults in your relationship. Remember to focus on yourself and allow for your partner to focus on themself as well. Ideally you’d be proud of your partner’s successes and happy for their happiness even when those things don’t directly involve you.
3. You know where your relationship stands. If you’re in an adult relationship you shouldn’t have to wonder whether or not you’re “official” or constantly worry if your partner is about to end it. Breaking up and getting back together every other week isn’t a very adult way to behave in a relationship.
You probably also have some idea of where your relationship is going in the future. You might have future plans that involve “we” or have a mutual understanding of what you both think about living together, marriage, kids, travel, careers, and all the other important life things.
If you and your partner aren’t quite here yet but you think you’re ready to define the relationship (DTR), all you need to do is talk about it. We can help you out with some conversation starters for defining your relationship.
4. You trust each other. This means not going through each other’s phones or getting into fights every time the other person wants to go out with friends or mentions a coworker’s name. Trust is absolutely essential for an adult relationship.
If you do have insecurities about your relationship, talk them out with your partner. It’s okay to have trouble trusting based on your past experiences or your own insecurities, but those are all things you should discuss with your partner so you can learn to trust them and not damage your relationship along the way.
What to Do with This Information
If you and your partner aren’t fulfilling some (or all) of these, it doesn’t mean you need to end the relationship immediately. Evaluating your relationship with these standards gives you a chance to look realistically at your relationship and figure out if there are some hidden problems.
Conversations You Need to Have in an Adult Relationship
Time to Talk
There are some conversations you need to have in an adult relationship. Some of these topics naturally come up over the course of a relationship, but others you might have to specifically take time for in order to move your relationship to the adult stage.
Talk About the Past
Our lived experiences inform how we act and expect to be treated in relationships. You should talk to your partner about your childhood, past relationships, and anything in your past that influences the way you see the world now.
If you don’t share your past with your partner you open yourself up to getting hurt by things your partner won’t realize matter to you. Maybe you were cheated on or had a very controlling partner in the past. No, these aren’t fun dinner topics, but they’re important things to cover because they helped shape who you are and what you want from relationships.
Your past also influences what values are important to you. You and your partner should share what you care about and why those things are meaningful to you so you can respect each other’s values.
Talk About the Future
Where do you want to live? Do you want to get married? Are kids part of your plan? The answers to questions, and others like them, are extremely important in an adult relationship.
Asking what a person’s five or ten year plan is would be pretty intense on a first date, but once you’re in a serious relationship it’s a good idea to discuss your plans, your partner’s plans, and how those plans fit together.
If you’re in a serious adult relationship, your plans for the future should include a lot of “we” instead of just “I.” On the other hand, don’t forget “I” when you’re planning either. You and your partner shouldn’t be sacrificing all your dreams and goals for each other. Through talking and planning you should be able to figure out a “we” plan that keeps both of your ambitions in mind.
Talk About Money
Saying, “dinner is on me, you paid last time” doesn’t count as discussing finances in an adult relationship. Your partner’s financial situation matters in a serious long term relationship, especially if you’re thinking about things like marriage or buying a house together.
This conversation should go beyond how much you each have saved and how much you plan to make in the future--you need to talk about how you manage money too. Irresponsible money habits, like buying 3 iced macchiatos a day, are easy to ignore at the beginning of a relationship but will become bigger problems when your finances start to merge.
Talk About Talking
Good communication is essential in an adult relationship. If you’re the type to sit and stew when things bother you and your partner prefers to talk out everything that happens you two probably end up fighting unnecessarily.
One or both of you might have to adapt your communication style, but even simply being aware of how your partner operates helps avoid conflict. Be open and honest about what bugs you, what you need to discuss, and when you’d rather be left alone.
Talk About Expectations
You should talk about your expectations in a really broad sense--what you expect for the future is important, but so is who you expect to do the dishes. Have a conversation about how you two want to divide chores, responsibilities, and cooking.
There’s no one answer for how you should divide household tasks, you’ll have to figure out what works for your relationship. Sometimes a 50/50 split is the way to go, but if one of you is a terrible cook or has a problem with impulse purchases at the grocery store you should probably keep that in mind when you split up chores.
You should also establish expectations for date nights, time spent apart with friends, and family gatherings. If you operate as if you’re going to spend all of your time together you might encounter conflict when other things come up. Planning for specific date nights is also important for ensuring you still have designated couple times when life gets busy.
If reading this article assured you that your relationship is in fact a mature adult one, that’s great. If not, don’t panic! You and your partner might be one conversation away from an adult relationship. Have some honest, productive conversations with your partner and you’ll be well on your way to being in an adult relationship.
